August 20, 2018
Captain America Painful Passes Infinity Stone
Entertainment

Captain America Passes Infinity Stone

AVENGERS FACILITY, UPSTATE NY—Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America, passed an Infinity Stone through his urethra Friday, Nick Fury reported. According to Fury, the stone in question was the Soul Stone, one of the

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Jeff Sessions Gets Granny Chain for Glasses

Politics
WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General Jeff Sessions has purchased a granny chain that attaches to his glasses. Granny chains  prevent people from losing their spectacles, and are especially popular among elderly dementia patients. “It can be hard to ...
Asshole Brings Unopened Can to Potluck

Asshole Brings Unopened Can to Potluck

Local
COLUMBUS, OH—An otherwise successful PTO potluck dinner was marred by the contribution of an unopened can by an unknown guest. Maria Gonzalez, president of the local parent teacher organization, was hosting a potluck dinner for ...
Cat Decides Owner Not Worth $5,000 Surgery

Cat Decides Owner Not Worth $5,000 Surgery

Local
SAN FRANCISCO—Oscar, a seven-year-old mixed-breed Maine Coon, received an estimate last Thursday for an upcoming appendectomy surgery for his owner Jamie Doughty, a 30-year-old San Franciscan. After examining the statement from Saint Francis Memorial Hospital, ...