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Cleveland Browns to Spend First Round Draft Picks on New Quarterback, Owner

Sports

April 24, 2018

CLEVELAND, OH—The Cleveland Browns plan to use their two first round draft picks to select a new franchise quarterback and a new owner during the 2018 NFL Draft Thursday, General Manager John Dorsey told the ...

Hoping to Ditch Image as Creepy Weirdo, Ted Cruz Tries out Neckbeard

Politics

April 23, 2018

WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Ted Cruz has grown a lengthy neckbeard in an attempt to rebrand his image as a normal guy and less of a human-shaped alien, aides to the senator said. According to Cruz’s aide, ...

Jeff Sessions Gets Granny Chain for Glasses

Politics

April 20, 2018

WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General Jeff Sessions has purchased a granny chain that attaches to his glasses. Granny chains prevent people from losing their spectacles, and are especially popular among elderly dementia patients. “It can be hard to ...

Adobe Thinks You’ll Be Pleased with Latest Acrobat Update

Business

April 19, 2018

SAN JOSE, CA—The Acrobat team at Adobe Systems are excited about this week’s update to their Acrobat Reader product, the ubiquitous software that allows PDF documents to be viewed on home computers. “People think PDFs ...

This Moment in History: Achilles Hopes to Be Remembered for Shredded Abs

History

April 18, 2018

THESSALY, GREECE—Achilles, king of the Myrmidons, insists that his ab muscles will be the foundation of his enduring legend. “I do a thousand crunches a day”, Achilles reported while displaying his impressive six-pack. “My name ...

Sting Romantically Watching Every Breath You Take, Move You Make

Entertainment

April 17, 2018

SURREY, UK—Gordon Sumner, better known as Sting, has been stalking his former girlfriend after having been told to buzz off, according to a court report. The report states that Sting, the former lead singer of ...

Doublemint Gum Executives Now Demanding Triple the Flavor, Fun

Business

April 16, 2018

CHICAGO—Executives at the Wrigley Company are demanding company scientists upgrade their Doublemint gum product from double the standard industry levels of flavor and fun to a minimum of triple these metrics, according to a Wrigley ...

Asshole Brings Unopened Can to Potluck

Local

April 13, 2018

COLUMBUS, OH—An otherwise successful PTO potluck dinner was marred by the contribution of an unopened can by an unknown guest. Maria Gonzalez, president of the local parent teacher organization, was hosting a potluck dinner for ...

Cat Decides Owner Not Worth $5,000 Surgery

Local

March 9, 2018

SAN FRANCISCO—Oscar, a seven-year-old mixed-breed Maine Coon, received an estimate last Thursday for an upcoming appendectomy surgery for his owner Jamie Doughty, a 30-year-old San Franciscan. After examining the statement from Saint Francis Memorial Hospital, ...

Apple Redesigns Poop Emoji For Retina Displays

Business

March 9, 2018

CUPERTINO, CA—An emoji redesign will be splashing across Apple’s newly released high-def Retina displays this fall, and Apple is hoping that customers don’t swipe left. “iPhone users communicate with each other using the rich visual ...

Captain America Passes Infinity Stone

Archives

Cleveland Browns to Spend First Round Draft Picks on New Quarterback, Owner

Hoping to Ditch Image as Creepy Weirdo, Ted Cruz Tries out Neckbeard

Jeff Sessions Gets Granny Chain for Glasses

Adobe Thinks You’ll Be Pleased with Latest Acrobat Update

This Moment in History: Achilles Hopes to Be Remembered for Shredded Abs

Sting Romantically Watching Every Breath You Take, Move You Make

Doublemint Gum Executives Now Demanding Triple the Flavor, Fun

Asshole Brings Unopened Can to Potluck

Cat Decides Owner Not Worth $5,000 Surgery

Apple Redesigns Poop Emoji For Retina Displays