AVENGERS FACILITY, UPSTATE NY—Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America, passed an Infinity Stone through his urethra Friday, Nick Fury reported. According to Fury, the stone in question was the Soul Stone, one of the …
CLEVELAND, OH—The Cleveland Browns plan to use their two first round draft picks to select a new franchise quarterback and a new owner during the 2018 NFL Draft Thursday, General Manager John Dorsey told the …
WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Ted Cruz has grown a lengthy neckbeard in an attempt to rebrand his image as a normal guy and less of a human-shaped alien, aides to the senator said. According to Cruz’s aide, …
WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General Jeff Sessions has purchased a granny chain that attaches to his glasses. Granny chains prevent people from losing their spectacles, and are especially popular among elderly dementia patients. “It can be hard to …
SAN JOSE, CA—The Acrobat team at Adobe Systems are excited about this week’s update to their Acrobat Reader product, the ubiquitous software that allows PDF documents to be viewed on home computers. “People think PDFs …
THESSALY, GREECE—Achilles, king of the Myrmidons, insists that his ab muscles will be the foundation of his enduring legend. “I do a thousand crunches a day”, Achilles reported while displaying his impressive six-pack. “My name …
SURREY, UK—Gordon Sumner, better known as Sting, has been stalking his former girlfriend after having been told to buzz off, according to a court report. The report states that Sting, the former lead singer of …
CHICAGO—Executives at the Wrigley Company are demanding company scientists upgrade their Doublemint gum product from double the standard industry levels of flavor and fun to a minimum of triple these metrics, according to a Wrigley …
COLUMBUS, OH—An otherwise successful PTO potluck dinner was marred by the contribution of an unopened can by an unknown guest. Maria Gonzalez, president of the local parent teacher organization, was hosting a potluck dinner for …
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—DEVGRU operators have begun readying their ghillie suits should military operations be required in shithole countries. Navy SEALs are applying plastic milk bottles, ripped garbage bags, and detritus to their base ghillie layers to …
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