Two Fools News is America’s preeminent news organization of record. We pride ourselves on our quick delivery of news items, features, histories, and pizza. By focusing exclusively on digital, we have proudly saved the lives of thousands of trees even though we all know they were wasting them anyway. We are grateful to the passage of Constitutional Amendments One, Three, and Eighteen that defined the liberties upon which we rely for our coverage, as evidenced by our Pyongyang newsroom suddenly going incommunicado. Two Fools uses made up names in all of its stories, except when its a public figure who is being satirized, typically Chris Christie.