ROME—Amazon has acquired the Roman Catholic Church according to documents the E-commerce giant filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission last week.
The acquisition comes in the context of financial distress signals from The Holy See as church membership has been on the decline as a result of scandal as well as long-term increases in atheism and agnosticism. Deep cuts in the Vatican Bank’s holdings will now require an angel investment to avoid bankruptcy.
Beyond the attractive price, an Amazon spokesman told us that the Vatican’s globally distributed infrastructure and personnel were ideal for the online shopping conglomerate as it was looking to bring shipping services in-house to increase it’s edge over other online retailers. “It is essential that we complete our vertical integration from product supply through point-of-sale and delivery,” the spokesman said. “Now, we’re vertically integrated all the way up to heaven.”
The Vatican Museum and St. Peter’s Basilica will be renovated into a warehouse for distributing Amazon’s European goods. Works of Art such as Michelangelo’s Pieta are being burned in the Sistine Chapel fireplace, sold, or remaindered.
“Don’t believe the rumors that the smoke coming from the Sistine Chapel fireplace is announcing a new pope,” Bezos said. “It’s just the burning of a few of the lesser Raphaels and Donatellos.”
As a condition to the deal, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos agreed to convert to Catholicism. Pope Francis reportedly led Bezos through the Romans Road to Salvation.
“This is great,” Bezos reportedly exclaimed, “because we’re going to need last-mile delivery on Romans Road and all other roads near Catholic dioceses.”
Pope Francis was unreachable for comment; the spokesman told us he was behind on his delivery quota of Amazon Fire HD tablets and AA batteries.