Apple Redesigns Poop Emoji For Retina Displays

CUPERTINO, CA—An emoji redesign will be splashing across Apple’s newly released high-def Retina displays this fall, and Apple is hoping that customers don’t swipe left.

“iPhone users communicate with each other using the rich visual language of emoji,’ said Chief Executive Officer of Apple Tim Cook on Friday.  “And the poop emoji is among our most popular designs, used for everything from describing the taste of a meal to a visual shorthand for our current President.”

“What we’ve done here is gone back to the very beginning to revolutionize how poop is displayed,” said Jonathan Ive, Apple’s Chief Design Officer. “We refuse to release a product that is just different. It has to be better. That’s why when we redesigned the Magic Mouse we put the charging port on the underside.”

Apple hopes the new emoji will be greeted with a flush of excitement from customers later this year, along with redesigns of the popular tears-of-joy emoji, finger pointing and hand OK-sign emoji, and eggplant emoji.

“With our ultra-bright 3-million pixel Retina displays,” Tim Cook said, “we are confident that the emotion people will feel when they see the high-definition poop emoji is the same one Apple customers always feel when they use our products: delight.”