BERKELEY, CA—UC Berkeley Provost Marcus Littlefield announced that the university would respond to the cultural sea change by constructing a new safe space on campus. This safe space will be used to hold the tuition increases the college will be collecting in the upcoming semester.
“The student body will be proud to know that all this new tuition revenue now has a safe place free from anti-LGBT violence, harassment, or hate speech. These funds will be protected,” he said. “At least until we need the down payment for the new administration complex we have planned, which will have private offices for hundreds of new administrative staff.”
“People have been delighted to learn that the safe space will be completely diverse,” Littlefield added. “Rest assured that all denominations will be welcome in the safe space, be they tens, twenties, or hundreds.”
“As long as there are privileged historically-entitled elites on this campus that feel empowered to grab or pinch whatever they can,” Littlefield said, “we will take steps to ensure that our university’s most precious resources are safe.”