WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Ted Cruz has grown a lengthy neckbeard in an attempt to rebrand his image as a normal guy and less of a human-shaped alien, aides to the senator said. According to Cruz’s aide, …
WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General Jeff Sessions has purchased a granny chain that attaches to his glasses. Granny chains prevent people from losing their spectacles, and are especially popular among elderly dementia patients. “It can be hard to …
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—DEVGRU operators have begun readying their ghillie suits should military operations be required in shithole countries. Navy SEALs are applying plastic milk bottles, ripped garbage bags, and detritus to their base ghillie layers to …
WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump helped hide the Easter eggs for the White House Easter Egg Roll, bucking the widely held belief that he doesn’t participate in public events. Swaggering onto the White House lawn carrying …
WASHINGTON, DC—President Trump’s daily brief is now being supplied by Hanes, according to Counter Terrorism Adviser Thomas Bossert. Trump was reportedly attracted to the XXL Hanes brief, specifically for it’s tagless design which he thought …
TERRA HAUTE, IN—In a surprising turnaround in US policy, Attorney General Jeff Sessions unveiled a new social program Wednesday at a press conference set up in front of a federal institution. The new government funded …
WASHINGTON, DC—Trey Gowdy, the US Representative from South Carolina’s 4th District, is still upset that a small child’s prank cost him the use of his house elf, Dobby. Dobby, who had been in the service …
WASHINGTON, DC—There was more bad news in store for Rex Tillerson after he learned from Chief of Staff John Kelly that he was to be fired as Secretary of State while he was using the …
WASHINGTON, DC—Nine fired Trump advisors returned to Washington DC this afternoon in a show of force, riding on the backs of winged fellbeasts, locals reported. Current Trump officials fled, believing this move signaled President Donald …
WASHINGTON, DC—Special Counsel Robert Mueller found a surprise waiting for him Monday when he discovered that his office chair had been replaced with a poorly built contraption made of apple crates. Press Secretary Huckabee Sanders …
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