Cleveland Browns to Spend First Round Draft Picks on New Quarterback, Owner

Cleveland Browns to Spend First Round Draft Picks on New Quarterback, Owner
Photo: Marianne O'Leary

CLEVELAND, OH—The Cleveland Browns plan to use their two first round draft picks to select a new franchise quarterback and a new owner during the 2018 NFL Draft Thursday, General Manager John Dorsey told the media today.

The Browns secured the #1 pick by going 0-16 last season, and received the #4 pick from the Houston Texans after trading the #12 pick last season which the Texans used to draft star quarterback Deshaun Watson.  John Dorsey was hired at the end of the disastrous 2017 season.  Head Coach Hue Jackson inexplicably continues in his position despite a 1-31 record.

“We’ve tried to evaluate which positions are the most critical for the long-term success of our organization and fill those,” Dorsey continued.  “Our analysis indicates that a talented quarterback and especially a competent owner are the most essential positions that we need to fill.”

The Browns have been owned by Jimmy and Dee Haslam since 2012, during which time the team has gone 20-76 and hasn’t spent a first round draft pick on a quarterback since legendary flameout Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel, despite consecutive records of having the worst offense.

“We’ve also looked hard at [Penn State Running Back Saquon] Barkley, ” Dorsey added.  “He’s a special back, especially as the league shifts to the run-pass option.  But if we draft him over a new owner, we’ll just fuck him up eventually.”

Dorsey is also hedging his bets against himself.  The GM is holding the team’s fifth round pick in reserve, to be used to draft a new GM to replace himself in the case he screws up the early picks.