CHICAGO—Executives at the Wrigley Company are demanding company scientists upgrade their Doublemint gum product from double the standard industry levels of flavor and fun to a minimum of triple these metrics, according to a Wrigley scientist who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity.
“Get into the lab and jam some more flavor and fun in there,” the executive was reported to have said. “Flavor crystals, extended flavor release chemicals, I don’t care! Don’t come back until the hipsters will demand to be chewing this shit at raves.”
When asked if the new product would be called Triplemint gum, the Wrigley spokesman said that was unlikely.
“We don’t want to get into a gum arms race,” the spokesman said. “Next thing you know Big Red become Giant Red, Trident will become Quadrudent, and Dubble Bubble will become Triple Bubble. There will be no end to the madness.”
“Triple sec sales cratered after they changed the name from double sec,” the spokesman added. “We won’t make that mistake.”
Do not expect the flavor or fun levels to remain static though. “Our customers are very demanding flavor wise,” said the spokesman. “We expect to be cracking the quadruple flavor/fun barriers by at least 2022.”