NEW YORK—The History Channel venerated the ending of the network’s actual history programming in a ceremony Wednesday. The somber event was attended by the stars of History’s current lineup of popular-but-not-history-related reality and dramatic shows. The VHS tapes of past shows like World War II documentaries, Vietnam in Color, and Modern Marvels, along with a resigned Ken Burns were loaded into a mahogany coffin. After a brief memorial service, the coffin was taken to Woodlawn Cemetery and buried.
Some of the stars resented the implication that their shows were less august than the more academic programming that the network had been built upon. “People would rather watch Chumlee annoy me with his idiotic hijinx than sit and listen to a talking head drone on about the history of federalism,” Pawn Star Rick Harrison said with his trademark wheezy chuckle.
“If aliens were involved with early human development, as I know they were, then that’s history too,” added Giorgio Tsoukalos, the bizarrely coiffed star of Ancient Aliens. “It’s certainly the aliens’ history. I don’t see the problem.”
Michael “Horny Mike” Henry, the flamboyant painter on the reality custom car restoration program Counting Cars was the only one who agreed that the program he’s featured on probably doesn’t belong on the network. “I just goof off and sometimes help fix up cars,” Henry said. “Some of ’em are old, I guess.”
As the coffin of vaunted educational history was lowered into the grave, Swamp Person Troy Landry mumbled something incomprehensible followed by a solemn “CHOOTEM!”