WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General Jeff Sessions has purchased a granny chain that attaches to his glasses. Granny chains prevent people from losing their spectacles, and are especially popular among elderly dementia patients.
“It can be hard to read execution orders without my glasses,” Sessions said. “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we have a bit of a problem with the number of minority criminals in this country. Reading all those indictments can quickly tire out your eyes if you misplace your glasses.”
An aide who preferred not to be identified elaborated. “The pink shows off his vulnerable side,” the aide said. “Is this the look of someone who gets off on putting blacks in the slammer or believes that gay marriage is the work of the literal devil?”
Sessions could not be reached for further comment. The aide said he was looking for a pocket pince-nez as a back-up in case the chain broke.