WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Ted Cruz has grown a lengthy neckbeard in an attempt to rebrand his image as a normal guy and less of a human-shaped alien, aides to the senator said.
According to Cruz’s aide, the Senator was inspired by the story of San Francisco Giants’ former relief pitcher Brian Wilson who grew a lengthy beard during the 2010 postseason and galvanized his teammates to a World Series victory. Cruz hoped his beard would similarly spark his caucus, which has been paralyzed by internal strife and unable to pass even consensus legislation into action.
When asked why the Senator had chosen a neard instead of a regular beard, the aide said Cruz “didn’t want the hair to get in his way when he was playing his fife.” It is widely known in DC circles that the Senator relaxes by playing the fife naked while goose-stepping around his DC apartment.
At press time, reporters were unable to speak to the senator because he was making a whistling sound from his nose while eating a hunk of olive loaf as if it were an apple.